The School of Life on Self-hatred

In their book 'What They Forgot to Teach You at School, published in 2021, Alain de Botton and The School of Life team write:

"We are, most of us, supremely gifted at the art of self-hatred. If we treated a stranger the way we tend to treat ourselves, we might be arrested for cruelty. In our low moments, we compare the way we are to the way we would ideally want to be — and cannot forgive ourselves for how far we have fallen from our own ideals. We scan our intimate histories, trace the many mistakes we've made, the people we've let down and the embarrassing things we've said and done — and despair at our own existence.

A little self-criticism may, on occasion, be a valuable tool. Our education system sensibly teaches us not to be too pleased with ourselves too quickly — and to take stock of our shortcomings. In the classroom, we learn to be open to feedback and to strive to improve on our mistakes. So good are we likely to have become at observing room for improvement that we open ourselves up to an opposite and yet more powerful danger: fruitless and excessive varieties of self-criticism, forms of self-flagellation which teach us nothing new, which undermine our mood around others and inspire only doubt and underperformance.

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It isn't that we are uniquely stupid. We just know far more about ourselves than about others. We don't see much of the inner turmoil, shame or regret of other people; they hide it with skill and we fail to be able to imagine it with enough vigour. We should simply assume it exists. When we see a smartly dressed, successful person stride into the room, we must take it for granted that they have—offstage—lacerating anxieties and regrets, times of rage and of overwhelming despair. We can trust that they walk into doors, think of themselves as idiots and are in a mess for much of their lives. And we can know this not because we know anything about them, but because we dare to know and remember human nature in general.

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We can, at our best moments, see the child inside the vulnerable adult and extend mercy and kindness as required. We know perfectly well that it's possible to love someone who isn't irreproachable. We should be as gentle with ourselves. Genuine love isn't blind to defects; it is compassionate towards them and readily sets them within an awareness of a person's overall qualities and character.

Hating ourselves is the easy bit. Learning to give ourselves a break is the true, rare and properly adult achievement."

— The School of Life, What They Forgot to Teach You at School