Amelia White on Mother's Day, Boarding School and the Wounds of Separation

Psychotherapist Amelia White, who specialises in 'Boarding School Syndrome' (Schaverien, 2015), writes in her blog about the complexity of Mother's Day for ex-boarders recovering from childhood separation from their mothers:

"Boarding school creates a rupture in the mother-child bond, and for many, that rupture remains unresolved into adulthood. Being sent away often severs the early sense of emotional safety and attachment, sometimes in ways that are never fully repaired. A common internal conflict many ex-boarders experience is what Nick Duffell describes as the double bind which is a painful paradox in which a child believes, If my mother loved me, she wouldn’t have sent me away… so there must be something unlovable about me. This deep-seated belief can lead to a lifelong struggle with self-worth."

"Another painful reality is that, in many families and the boarding school culture, the expression of difficult emotions was discouraged. Children were often told to be grateful for their education, to not upset their mothers, and to suppress any feelings of sadness, anger, or homesickness. But this emotional repression does not simply disappear but it lingers beneath the surface, shaping relationships and self-perception long into adulthood."

"For many ex-boarders, there is also an enduring sense of betrayal. Mothers are often seen as the ones who broke the natural maternal bond by sending their children away, even though fathers were often the driving force behind the decision. This perceived betrayal can lead to deep distrust of women and even a rejection of the feminine aspects of oneself."

"While the pain of separation is real and valid, healing often begins with understanding. This does not mean excusing or justifying what happened, but rather exploring the context in which these decisions were made. Many mothers of boarders had little say in the matter. Financially dependent on their husbands and raised in an era where obedience and self-sacrifice were expected of women, they often felt they had no choice but to comply. Some had been to boarding school themselves and, as a result, were emotionally detached from their own needs and those of their children, unconsciously repeating the cycle of trauma."

"Repairing this relationship is not always easy, especially when anger, hurt, and defensiveness are present. For some, healing comes through honest conversations, where the mother is finally able to hear and acknowledge the impact of her choices. For others, healing is an internal process of grieving, self-understanding, and soothing oneself. In my groups I encourage members to write uncensored letters to their mothers expressing their feelings and what they wish to express.  If unable to say in person to their own mothers, being witnessed by others can be very powerful." 

The full blog post and more about Amelia White can be found here: https://www.theboardingschooltherapist.com/blog/mother-s-day-boarding-school-and-the-wounds-of-separation

Boarding School Survivors: https://www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk

Image by Noah Silliman