Stephen Grosz on Sex & Desire

“As a young man I believed if I could just find the “right” person, happiness would automatically follow. There was so much I didn’t understand. That each of us is responsible for our own happiness. That if I didn’t treat myself with consideration and care, chances are others wouldn’t treat me that way either.

I didn’t understand pain. I thought the many kinds of pain we suffer when we love another person – longing, anxiety, grief – were feelings to avoid, symptoms to be removed. I didn’t understand that pain is the finest instrument we possess for knowing what we desire.

We deceive ourselves about love – the who, what and why. But we also have the power to undo self-deception. Love’s labour is the work we must do to see clearly ourselves and our loved ones – it is our attempt to join the world as it is.”

— Stephen Grosz in the Guardian.